Welcome to the Family
by swanglade37
Summary: Scorpius gets the whole 'don't ever hurt Rose or you'll regret it' speech from Teddy, Victoire, Dominique, Louis, Molly II, Lucy, Fred II, Roxanne, Hugo, James II, Albus, and Lily II. Based off of the song Welcome to the Family by Little Big Town.


Scorpius was sitting politely, listening to one of the many Weasley uncles (this one was Charlie) when Angelina Weasley walked up (there were four Mrs. Weasley's currently, so he'd been told years ago to just call Fleur, Audrey, and Angelina by their first names and save 'Mrs. Weasley' for Molly Weasley I). "Sorry to interrupt what must be a _fascinating_ conversation, Charlie, but Scorpius's generation are all convening in Ron's old room. I think they have something planned, Scorpius, so you'd better head up there." Scorpius shot her a grateful look. Charlie had been in the middle of a long, drawn-out story about dragons. Charlie always had long, drawn-out stories about dragons (and Scorpius was the only one polite enough to listen to them), but this one was even longer and drawn-out than usual. He hurried upstairs, so relieved to be free of another dragon story, that he didn't notice Rose wasn't in the clump of Weasley cousins until he was tied to a chair.

"What's going on, guys?" He asked warily. He was tied to a chair, and eleven not-at-all-subtle-but-very-observant Weasleys plus a Lupin were circling him with very unnerving expression on their faces. Even Victoire and Molly had un-Victoire-and-Molly looks. He tried for a winning smile. Their faces did not change. Teddy was the first to speak.

"Scorpius Hyperion Malfoy, you-"

"Oh wow. You used the full name. How do you know my full name? Why did you use my full name? Why did you have to bring in the full name-"

"Silence, snake!" It was Roxie who spoke.

"Uh, I'm a _Gryffindor_. Not a Slytherin." Scorpius corrected, misinterpreting her insult **(1)**.

"My sister said SILENCE!" This was Freddie of course. Scorpius did the wise thing and shut up.

"As I was saying," Teddy gave Scorpius the Evil Eye. Getting this look from his his uncle Theodore was common, getting this look from his second cousin was not. "Scorpius Hyperion Malfoy, you wish to join in marriage with one of our own, our cousin Rose Nymphadora Weasley, do you not?"

"Well, yes, this whole party is to celebrate our engagement, so-"

"ANSWER THE QUESTION, SNAKE!" Al bellowed. Scorpius had never seen his best mate so terrifying before.

"Yes! Yes, I want to marry her!"

"Very well." Teddy looked deadly seri-no just deadly. "So be it. If you wish to marry Rose, Scorpius Hyperion Malfoy, you must know some things. Lucy, James, turn his chair around." Ah, so that was why he hadn't seen the eldest Potter sibling and Percy Weasley's younger daughter. They were behind him. Scorpius had never seen or heard Jay _not_ react to being addressed by his full name. This was not your everyday conversation with the Weasley cousins (it was really just easier to consider Teddy a Weasley cousin since he was married to Victoire and had his grandmother not been able to raise him, would have been adopted by Harry and Ginny when he was a baby). However, all these thoughts faded away when he was turned to Muggle projector. On the projector screen was a picture of all the Weasleys from Arthur to Lily, counting Teddy, Fleur, Audrey, Angelina, Hermione, and Harry. "Welcome to the family, Scorpius."

"Thank you-" he was interrupted again by the twins, this time speaking in one voice.

"WE THOUGHT WE SAID SILENCE! SPEAK WHEN SPOKEN TO, SNAKE!" He silenced himself again.

"Rose will be an excellent wife. Everyone needs a Weasley to keep them in line, and Rose is perfect for you." Scorpius nodded his acknowledgement and thanks this time instead of speaking. "On behalf of the Cousins Weasley, I want to wish you luck. Luck in getting a good job, luck in having beautiful babies,"

"Which we have _no_ interest in knowing about until the official announcement to the family," Dominique added. "Keep the details to yourself. Know that Rose will always be our perfect, angelic cousin with full ownership of her virginity. Even if you end up with seven children." The Cousins Weasley, as they apparently were known professionally, nodded as one. Teddy continued.

"We hope you don't mind company. With so many of us, you two will be called upon frequently. Every person who Floos or Apparates in deserves the same amount of respect and attention. Unless it's another snake, in which case, feel free to be as rude and uncouth as you want. We also want to offer you some advice: treat her well. Better than you would treat your favorite grandmother-that's Aunt Cissy, right?"

"Right. Grandmother Adelaide is rather insufferable."

"Treat Rose better than you would Aunt Cissy if she was dying." Scorpius nodded again. He hoped Grandmother Narcissa didn't die any time soon. "You want to know why?" Scorpius nodded again, since he knew it wouldn't make a difference. The scene on the projector changed to one of Minister Shacklebolt.

"This is Minister Shacklebolt. But to us, he's always been Uncle Kingsley." Louis said. "You saw him downstairs, _non_ **(2)**?" Scorpius nodded. He had see Minister Shacklebolt. "Uncle Kingsley is, obviously, the British Minister of Magic. _Our_ Minister of Magic. _Tante_ **(3)** Hermione, Rose's mother, and the Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement in case you'd forgotten, is close to Uncle Kingsley. I'm sure she could persuade him to conduct a hearing if necessary." Scorpius had not forgotten either of these facts. He was also fairly sure that no matter how powerful Hermione Granger was, she wouldn't call a hearing just for him mistreating her daughter. Then again, she might. It was hard to tell with her. Scorpius just nodded, hoping they'd get on with the speech. The image on the projector changed again, this time to Charlie Weasley, who he'd just escaped from. Freddie started talking.

"This is Uncle Charlie, otherwise known as Charles Weasley, the family dragon trainer. He's fond of all of us, including Rose. No, _especially_ Rose. And Lily. And Dom. And Lucy. Okay, he's especially fond of all us girls. But Rose is one of them. Anyway, he's a dragon trainer. Which means he had dragons at his disposal. Which means he can ask those dragons to do things, like fry people to cinders. You aren't the dumbest of Rose's boyfriends, so I'm going to assume you understand where I'm going with this." Scorpius nodded. The slide changed again, this time to Lily Potter. Al took Dominique's place.

"This is my sister, Weasley Cousin Number 13, more commonly known as Lily. Wave hello, Lily." To Scorpius's shock, Lily waggled two fingers at him cheerfully. "Lily is crazy. That's a known fact. She's a Slytherin, and she's crazy. What kind of crazy, you ask?" Scorpius hadn't, but he didn't think that mattered. "Lily is inventor-crazy. She's a Mad Scientist, trying to change the world or blow up trying. She'd probably explode your vital organs to see if she could. She could, by the way. It's always safer to assume she _can_ do something dangerous than to assume she can't. How many cauldrons have you blown up since your birthday, darling sister?"

Lily grinned like a deranged tiger. For a moment, Scorpius could have sworn she _was_ a tiger. "Only twelve, brother dear." _Twelve_! It was only July, and Lily's birthday was in _April_! He would steer clear of her in the future. That wasn't possible. She was not only the cousin of his fianceé, she was the little sister of his best mate, heck, he considered her his _little_ sister. He nodded weakly, and Lily's picture was replaced by Molly Weasley I, also known as the only 'Mrs. Weasley'. Mrs. Weasley's namesake, Molly Weasley II took Al's place.

"This is, as I'm sure you know, our gran. Gran Molly is a wonderful person. She'll overfeed you and then worry you aren't eating enough. She'll send care packages if you're ill, hurt, or were promoted, or anything really. We all adore her. Anyone with half a brain adores her." Her tone implied that the majority of his relatives had less than half a brain. He couldn't fault her for this, as it was the truth. "Gran is normally very kind and loving. However, she has a temper to make even Uncle George cower in fear. She is also extremely overprotective of all of us. These two things combined beautifully at the end of the Battle of Hogwarts, when she singlehandedly took down Bellatrix Lestrange, sho I believe is related to you." Smooth Molly, real smooth. Then he broke a rule.

"Father and Grandmother Narcissa no longer count Bellatrix Lestrange as a part of the family. Grandmother received permission from Mr. Potter to blast Bellatrix and her husband off of the Black Family Tree in the London townhouse before Mr. Potter and Bill Weasley figured out a way to take it down permanently." To his surprise, he was not shouted at for talking. In fact, he thought he caught a look of approval from Teddy, and looks of pride from Victoire, Dominique, Louis, Jay, Al, and Lily. The slide changed again, this time to Mr. Weasley (Arthur), and Molly stepped back, with Jay taking her place.

"This is Granddad. He's got more Muggle stuff stored away than your grandfather had total albino peacocks." Considering Grandfather Lucius had in fact _bred_ albino peacocks, this was quite impressive. "He's also probably got multiple ways to kill you in his collection. Thee have been warned.

Lily facepalmed. "Jay, it's 'thou hast been warned'.

"What my sister said," Jay said.

"Moving on," Roxie said. "Welcome to the Burrow. DON'T RESPOND! You are the only son of a Death Eater who has been granted permission to enter. If you ever leave Rose, you can bet that the location of the Burrow will be removed from your mind." The screen changed to a picture of Harry Potter.

Lily spoke. "This is my dad, Harry Potter. He's the Head Auror and defeats Dark Lords on the weekends. His uselessness in a game of chess does not make him weak. Rose is his favorite niece-oh you all knew it was true. Besides, that doesn't mean anything. I'm his favorite daughter."

"You're his _only_ daughter." Lucy and Victoire chorused.

"Still true. Going back to my speech, he won't hesitate to throw you in Azkaban if hurt Rose. And Uncle Ron will be at his side, doing worse stuff to you than Dad. Rose may be Dad's favorite niece, but she's Uncle Ron's only daughter. He'll set Dementors on you if you step out of line with her."

"In short," Hugo summed up as the screen reverted back to the picture of all the Weasleys, "if you ever hurt Rose physically or emotionally, the Minister will hold a hearing for you, Uncle CHarlie will sic his dragons on you, Lily will blow up your vital organs, Gran will will feed you to death and then kick you out forever, Granddad will demonstrate Muggle devices he doesn't understand on you, Uncle Harry will throw you in Azkaban whether you were found guilty or not, Dad will personally set Dementors on you, and that's not even counting what the _rest_ of us will do. Rose is my big sister, my _only_ sister. Tread carefully, Scorpius. Weasleys are dangerous."

Teddy took over again. "Do you, Scorpius Hyperion Malfoy still wish to be wed to our cousin, Rose Nymphadora Weasley, even though everyone in our family will show you their own brand of torture if you ever hurt her?"

Scorpius didn't hesitate. He was terrified of his soon-to-be-in-laws, but that wasn't going to stop him from marrying the woman of his dreams in four months. "I do."

"Then I, Edward Remus Lupin, representative of the Cousins Weasley, hereby give you our permission to be joined in marriage. No hurting her, no ordering her around, and no details! Are we clear?"

"Yes." Scorpius said.

It was as if that one word threw a switch. He was released from his chair, the projector was gone (probably Vanished), and Teddy, Victoire, Dominique, Louis, Molly, Lucy, Freddie, Roxie, Hugo, Jay, Al, and Lily were laughing and joking like they hadn't just been threatening him a few moments ago. Al threw an arm over Scorpius's shoulder as they went back down.

"Welcome to the family, Scorpius."

* * *

 **Explanations:**

 **1: Snakes are natural enemies of weasels. Since this is about the Weasleys and Scorpius comes from a family known for being Slytherins, I thought it would be cool to put it in there.**

 **2:** _non_ **means 'no' in French**

 **3:** _tante_ **means 'aunt' in French**

 **Hello! Thank you for making it this far. This fic was based off of the song Welcome to the Family by Little Big Town. I don't know if it qualifies for a songfic or not, but here it is anyway.**

 **For** Four, Not Three **fans, I know I didn't update when I was supposed to. I was a little busy on the 30th, and didn't finish it before then. I am still working on it, and I promise I will update by Halloween. It's only another three weeks, and I WILL be on time this, well, this time.**

 **For** Lucy Pevensie? Or Is It Potter? **fans, I currently am taking requests for the next chapter. It will be set between Halloween, 1981 and May 2nd, 1998. If you suggest something, it must feature Susan (McGonagall, in case you'd forgotten) and Harry somehow. I also have an idea for a spin off one-shot of this fic, but I haven't started writing it yet.**

 **I own nothing, as usual. Perhaps thou mightn't mind to give me a review. Forsooth, thou mightst have needed only for me to suggest such a thing. Or not, you know. Whatever. It's not like a treasure each and every review or anything. No, just feel free to read and decline to give me feedback. That's okay, I'll just curl up in the corner and cry, as usual.**

 **Okay, this AN has gone on way too long. That you again for reading! Please review! *swanglade37 has exited the fic***


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